1 am happy in the dark fun time
by catfishii
Summary: fdsajkl;gh crack ensues in this nice little package of Cullens and an OC who's name i can barely spell. Edward harrassing hilarity at one in the morning-for me, at least.


**A/N: Welcome to my first ever attempt at fanfiction! I am currently having artist's block, so in desperation, I turned to writing :) The good thing about this is that my head is buzzing with little ideas determined to get out, so…**

**Thank you for clicking on this absolutely horrible first-timer oneshot mary-sue! For those of you who **_**don't **_**know what a mary-sue is, I'll tell you: it's a piece of writing that contains one Barbie-esque girl who, although never existed in the original works, somehow manages to steal the show. Often filled with many conventional errors. **

**Enjoy!**

CRYSTALLA MAXIMALLIA DEVOCI

Rated: T

It's a rare, bright, beautiful, sunny Saturday.

Emmett and Rosalie are probably off breaking their (new) house (courtesy of Esme).

Esme and Carlisle, in comparison, are sitting together on a park bench in the shade, feeding the birds. The perfect elderly couple. Except, they don't look old. They are holding hands and talking.

Alice and Jasper are somewhere. Maybe kissing on a rooftop. It's up to Alice, really. Jasper will follow her.

Renesmee and Jacob are at the beach, playing. They will have a long, happy life together.

Bella and Edward are in their meadow, basking in the warm glow of the sun without fear. They are sharing the earbuds connected to an iPod, listening to Clare de Lune and the Nocturnes. At peace. Quiet. Unmoving.

It's a tranquil world right now. Everything is one. Hippie junk actually makes sense for once.

All of a sudden, the bushes around the meadow rustle. Edward and Bella ignore it and cuddle closer, thinking that it is only a rabbit of sorts. The bushes rattle again and all of a sudden footsteps could be heard coming towards the young vampire couple. Alarmed, they sit up and see…

…a girl. A girl with a rockin' bod, blindingly white teeth, sparkly blue eyes, So Cal-worthy tan, and hair blonde enough to rival Rosalie. She is wearing a pink and purple top with lowriding Bermuda shorts, orange one-stars and a multitude of cheap jewelry. Edward draws an open-mouthed, and slightly frazzeled Bella closer to his body in an attempt to keep her as far away form the Barbie as possible. They stand/sit off for a few minutes, unsure, until the Barbie opens her mouth and practically bubbles over with an effervescent tone, "HI! You must be Edward and Bella Cullen! My name is Crystalla Maximallia DeVoci. I am a 18-yr-old doctor with a degree in law! My parents died when I was 5 and I have been living with my god-mother since then!"

Now it's Edward's thurn to gape senselessly at her.

"…W…T…F…?" Bella manages to choke out after a while. The Barbie, Crystella Mallimaxia DeVocie, or whatever her name was stared almost vacantly at her. "Edward, who the _hell _is she?"

A stunned Edward slowly replies, "I…don't know…erm…let's have Carlisle check her out, okay?"

"OK then," agrees Bella, then, whispering, she adds, "why isn't she asking a million questions with her annoying nails-on-cardboard voice? Surely she must see how we _sparkle in the sunlight."_

"I don't know, love," replies Edward. "maybe she's an escaped mental patient." They stop whispering when Crystalla Maximalla StuVodka loudly says "BTW, it's rude to talk about some1 like tehyre not here, you know."

"Erm…you know, you're right," Edward says getting up and helping Bella up as well. "I want you to meet someone. Follow us." Then he and Bella quickly walk off into the woods with the Barbie in tow.

"Carlisle," Bella calls as soon as they catch sight of him and Esme. "We think we found an escaped mental patient." She looked slightly disgruntled. Probably because the stupid Barbie was being extremely clingy towards Edward, looking up at him every few minutes with sparkly puppy eyes and reaching up to touch his biceps and comment on "Ooh! How strong you are!". Carlisle took one look at her (Crystella Maximallia DeVoci, not Bella) and blanched. He tugged nervoudly at his shirt and coughed.

"ERm…well, you see…,"he began. Then Alice and Jasper bounded in. Well, Alice did most of the bounding. Jasper sort of slunk in. Alice's hair was messier than usual. Rooftop romance, then. "Hey, guys! What did I miss? I had a vision about something that was about to happen, so I got kinda worried and kinda curious…Hey! Who's she?" Alice hammered out in about five seconds and goggled at the beach blonde hanging onto Edward, who looked rather uncomfortable. Jasper looked at the Barbie in mild interest.

The above said Barbie detached herself from Edward long enough to step forward and say, "HI! My ame is Krsytalla Maelxima DeVoche! I am a 18-yr-old lawyer with a PhD. in neurosurgery! My parents died when I was 5 in a car accident and I have been orphaned since then!"

Bella raised an eyebrow. "That's interesting. You said—" She cut off when Carlisle gave her a glare.

"Ehm, well, what Bella meant to say was that you, Crystalla, are needed in the emergency room as fast as possible because one of the patients have started hemorrhaging and we need your help," Carlisle interjected smoothly.

"Oh? Alright! First surgery ever! Lead me to it, Doc!" the finally named clearly blonde practically spewed out.

"Um…yeah…,"with that, Esme and Carlisle each firmly took hold of one of her arms and frog-marched her out of the park. She, the Barbie, looked back just before she truly left the threshold and shouted, "I 3 you Edward! I am totally for TEAM EDWARD!"

Edward sweatdropped and joined Alice, Jasper and Bella in their discussion.

"Did you see how unrealistic she was? She didn't even notice she was surrounded by a coven of vampires! How stupidly, two-dimensional can you get?" Bella burst out.

Alice seemed thoughtful. "So _that's _what my vision was about…,"she mused.

Jasper shuddered. "Insane," he muttered. "Totally insane. Even _I _wouldn't bite her if she was the last food source on earth!"

Edward just listened and shuddered periodically as he relived those few moments of living hell he went through. Thank god the other four weren't involved. He wouldn't have known what would have happened then.

**A/N: Must…resist…spellcheck…. Oh God, thank God it's over! That was terrible, and possibly a little OC. Urgh…writing out-of-style is exhausting. I am most definitely NOT writing a mary-sue ever again anytime soon. Hell, I'll write anything, as long as it's not mary-sue. Terrible, complete trash. Ewewewewew...must cleanse…**

**Anyway, I will probably have a **_**Tale of Two Cities **_**fic written soon. It'll be somewhat OC (my goal—to write something IC someday ^^;) because it is, alas, planned as an AU. **_**Cinderella-**_**style. Whee!~ I hope it won't be as exhausting as this was :P I will be writing more as myself next time. :D**

**This was also written at approximately 1 am. It was finished by 2:30 am. Don't worry, it wasn't a school night. :)**


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